What’s he bleeping going on about? Steven Ellis knows
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STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY – CORRIDOR – DAY
Luke and Artoo move cautiously down a series of deserted corridors.
ARTOO: So, we’re going to save the day are we? This is what you dreamed about and Darth Daddy is torturing your sister and Han here is he? So… What’s the plan?
Luke glares at the tiny droid, who stops in his tracks with a feeble squeak .
ARTOO: OK, we’re winging it… Cool. Oh, look a long white corridor. And another… It’s just one long white corridor after another. I was expecting something like Vegas, you know, lights and stuff, maybe dancing girls… Not the cleanest looking hospital ever. How does anyone ever find their way round this place? What we need is some CGI to really open the place up…
They hear a group of people coming down a side hallway. Artoo lets out an excited series of beeps and whistles .
ARTOO: People! Maybe we can ask for directions. Excuse me, have you seen Luke’s dad? He’s really tall, kind of angry, a bit asthmatic and he wears a black gimp mask and a long black cloak.
Boba Fett enters from a side hallway followed by two guards pushing the floating, encased body of Han Solo and two stormtroopers follow them.
ARTOO: Hey, look it’s Bobby Feet! He’s another one of those whiny kids from back in the day. They all grow up so angry. His dad and Obi Wan hated each other. Hey why’ve they got a floaty table with Han’s face on it?
Luke draws his weapon and blasts the two stormtroopers before they can get off a shot.
ARTOO: “Knowledge and defence, never for attack.” Yeah right…
The two guards whisk Han into another hallway as Fett lowers his arm and fires a laser at Luke, which explodes to one side and tears up a huge chunk of wall.
ARTOO: See, angry. Everybody’s got Daddy issues in this bloody saga…
Luke rushes to a side hallway, but by the time he reaches it, Fett, Han, and the guards are gone. A thick metal door blocks the passage. Luke turns to see Leia, Chewie with bits of Threepio strapped to his back and Lando being herded down a second hallway by several other stormtroopers. Leia turns just in time to see Luke.
ARTOO: Hey, it’s your sister! And Chewie. Hey Chewie you’ll never guess who I just saw. Remember the Jedi frog?
LEIA: Luke! Luke, don’t – it’s a trap! It’s a trap!
ARTOO: “It’s a trap!” Ooooh, who does that remind you of?
Before Leia can continue, she is pulled through a doorway and disappears from sight. Luke races after the group, leaving Artoo trailing behind.
ARTOO: Oi! Wait for me… Wait.
Luke runs round a corner into an anteroom and stops to get his bearings.
ARTOO: White corridor, white corridor…
Leia and the others are nowhere to be seen. Behind Luke, Artoo scoots down the corridor toward the anteroom when suddenly a giant metal door comes slamming down, cutting off Luke’s exit. Artoo stands with whatever his equivalent of a nose is pressed against the giant metal door .
ARTOO: Oh, crap. Luke? Luke can you hear me? There’s no door knob on this side. Hello? Luke? Listen… If you see your Dad just try a hug! Hello?
He whistles a long sigh of relief and, a little dazed, wanders off in the other direction.
ARTOO: Well, I’ll just try this white corridor then…
INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY – CORRIDOR
Lando, Leia, and Chewie run down a Cloud City corridor when suddenly they spot Artoo rolling toward them, beeping wildly.
ARTOO: White corridor, white corridor…
THREEPIO: Artoo! Artoo! Where have you been?
ARTOO: Hey Goldengroin. Well, I was with Luke. First we went to a swamp to meet a Jedi, remember the froggy looking, oh, yeah, never mind. Anyhow, the ship sank, the frog got it out, Luke’s a Jedi now. He had this future vision thingy. So we came here looking for Luke’s Dad, and for you guys of course. Then we got split up and I got lost in all these white corridors…
Chewie turns around to see the stubby droid, causing Threepio to be spun out of sight of his friend.
ARTOO: Hey. Where are you lot running off to?
THREEPIO: Turn around, you woolly…! (To Artoo) Hurry, hurry! We’re trying to save Han from the bounty hunter!
ARTOO: Bobby? Yeah, I saw him. He had Han in a coffee table.
Whistling frantically to Threepio, Artoo scoots along with the racing group .
ARTOO: He shot lasers at us. Look, I’ve got a burn mark on my…
THREEPIO: (interrupting) Well, at least you’re still in one piece! Look what happened to me!
ARTOO: There you go. Didn’t take long to make it all about you did it.
EXTERIOR: EAST LANDING PLATFORM — SIDE BAY
An elevator door slides open and Lando, Leia, and Chewbacca race for a large bay overlooking the East Landing Platform. Just as they arrive, Boba Fett’s ship takes off against a cloudy sunset sky. In wild anguish, Chewie howls and starts firing at the ship.
ARTOO: (Still in the elevator) Is it safe? What’s he so growly about?
THREEPIO: Oh, no! Chewie, they’re behind you!
A laser bolt explodes near the princess. Everyone turns to see what Threepio has already spotted coming from the other direction; a squad of stormtroopers running towards them. Artoo peeks out from the elevator.
ARTOO: I was better off on my own…
To be continued…